Did I really have to say that?

I have a lot of animals.  And if you really know me, you know that I hate repeating myself. However, I find myself repeating a lot of things over and over again. Some of them are what I would consider normal, and probably things that all people who have pets and children somewhat regularly find themselves saying. Then there are those things that you say and immediately ask yourself how your life has come to this point.

I thought it would be “fun” to write down all the things I find myself saying over the course of a week with my zoo. The following is a brief catalogue of grievances that have apparently become the norm in my home over the past couple years.

Behavioral corrections:

Stop humping him!

Stop humping her!

Get out of the toilet.

Get your nose out of his ass.

That’s not your food.

You’re not a cat. Get out of the litter box.

Stop playing in the litter box.

Stop eating kitty cigars!

Stop eating the plants!

You better not have just pooped right there.

Get your snout out of my crotch!

Stop barking.

Drop the opossum!

Calm down.

Get down.

Get off the table/couch/bed/counter/bookcase/toilet.

Don’t bite him/me/her/him.

Stop licking my knees.

 

Questions we ask our animals:

You did not just poop/pee/barf there…???  Yes…yes you did.

Who’s poop is that?

What are you whining/barking about?

Why are you wet?

How did you get so dirty?

What have you been rolling in?

Why don’t you like to be pet?

Who chewed a hole in this?

Why are you bleeding? Piss off the cat again?

Questions I most often ask my co-pet parent:

Why do they always stare at me while I scoop their shit?

Want to take a guess why there are needle holes all over this receipt/document/plant?

Did you just fart? To which the answer is occasionally no. To which the question is “then who did?”

What was that noise?

It’s too quiet. Are all the animals here?

Are all the cats accounted for? I’m closing the dishwasher.

What is coming out of his butt? You hold him and I’ll grab it.

Commentary to anyone within ear shot, even if it is another animal:

He just shit rainbows!

Dogs got out today….again.

The cat just latched onto my nipple.

He is kneading my crotch.

Tyson just barfed up Greenie (stuffed animal)

The cat stole my xyz again.

Tyson is hoarding food bowls/toys/trash again.

Tyson was eating cat shit again.

Found the cats chewing on the toilet brush.

Awe, he is so cuddly. Never mind, he just bit me.

 

The “I don’t really want to know the answer to the question” question:

Why is the carpet wet?

Why is the couch wet?

Why is the cat wet?

What is that?

What did I just step in?

Is that poop or vomit?

The fed up pet parent demand:

When you get home, I need you to clean the gifts left by YOUR animals. I’m leaving. I can't deal.

The sad games you play:

Test me…I bet I can guess which poop belongs to which animal!